I tugged my woolly cap over my ears and pulled out a few strands of reddish-brown hair. They proved a rather feeble cover, but it felt reassuring to hide behind something. Swinging my bag onto my right shoulder, I took a small sigh and proceeded walking across the courtyard.
The building looked large, gray and box-like, the usual appearance of a school. I dragged along, trying to avoid looking at the loudly chatting mob of students. Luckily no one seemed to notice me as I made my way to the front doors.
I found my way to the main hall and used the map on the wall to navigate to the teachers' lounge. I tried not to feel too troubled over the fact that teachers' lounge was one of the only words I recognized from the map, and that only because mom had written it down for me the night before.
I explained my issue to the teacher who opened the door with a few words of poorly pronounced English. She disappeared inside and a male teacher with a large bald spot came to steer me in front of a classroom door on the second floor. He left before I could form a question, leaving me standing alone.
I tried to camouflage myself with the brownish-gray wall, but the clothes I was wearing made it difficult. The bell rang and students started to noisily trail in, making my ears ring.
After a few minutes of dodging the curious glances of the students in the corridor, the teacher finally came and let us in. He asked me to stay up front for just a moment.
I stood at the front of the classroom, leaning on the blackboard and trying to look as if I didn't care what the students around thought of me.
What were they all talking about? If there was a single moment when I wished I had studied English more diligently, it was now. Most of them were staring at me, and the ones who weren't were whispering things to each other. I tried to focus my attention on the loose string in the pocket of my cargo pants, twirling it restlessly between my fingers.
The teacher was looking at a sheet of paper, scrunching his brows eyes in a way that made his glasses slip a bit lower down his nose. He lifted them back up again with one finger. I think he found out what he needed to, since he lowered the paper and stood up.
“Good morning class. As you can see, we have a new student in our class,” he started. He waved at me as if no one had noticed me yet. “Her name is Anna Koskinen and she has come here all the way from Finland.”
“It's pronounced Anna,” I stated, giving him a sour glance. I heard a few snickers from the back of the class, and felt instantly like glowering at their source. Either they were laughing at my name or the way I had stuttered while saying 'pronounced'. Was it really necessary to point out every mistake I made?
I was already sitting at the empty desk at the side by the time he said “You can take a seat”. He started to investigate which students had completed their homework and I allowed myself to slip into my thoughts.
What was the point of this? I wish I could have gotten into some international school. There at least someone might have spoken Finnish. But my parents had insisted I go to the local school, assuring me I'd be speaking English in no time.
I wished I could talk with my friends. I didn't have my computer yet – it was with the stuff that hadn't arrived. And calling was too expensive. I started to write a letter.
“Anna,” said a girls' voice next to me, bringing me back to reality. I turned to face her. She was blond, soft and looked like she had never done wrong in her life.
“It's Anna,” I gritted my teeth in annoyance. What was it with Americans and learning simple names?
“Yeah, sure whatever. You want to be with me and the girls at break?” she nodded towards the gang of girls at the back of the class. I noticed a few of them had giggled when I had been introduced.
“I don't think so.” It may have come out a bit harsh, but I was a Finn. I had the excuse to be honest, and I certainly wanted to make it clear that I wasn't one of them.
“When he said you're a girl I was all 'no way' and had to look twice,” she went on, not minding my previous comment. “You haven't gone through a surgery, have you?” she glanced at her polished fingernail and wiped an imaginary speck of dust off it.
I wasn't completely sure what she had said, but I gathered it wasn't anything I needed to hear. I turned back to my letter, trying to forget the whole scene. Great, I was in a class of teen clones.
I missed home even more.
Where the hell was the bathroom? I thought over it and decided my vocabulary was broad enough to ask someone. I was braving talking to a fairly nice looking girl when to my relief I noticed a familiar sign in the far end of a corridor.
I pulled the door open and slipped in, glad to finally escape my classmates and empty my bladder. I stopped short, hearing a breathless laugh and a few giggles from the single stall at the far side of the room. Then the unmistakable sound of kissing followed by a loud slap and a shriek.
What in the world was going on in that bathroom stall? When I noticed a pair of legs on their knees on the floor and another hanging down, owned clearly by someone sitting on the toilet seat, I decided I didn't want to know. I was just about to leave when the door of the stall swung open and a tall girl strode out. She stopped, taking no notice of me, and turned around to yell something behind her. “You're such a slut, Cleve,” she snorted into the stall and pushed past me, out of the bathroom.
Someone else came out after her, a girl with a small face and smeared make-up and came to me. She was a bit shorter, but still managed to look fierce standing in front of me.
“No one ever uses this bathroom,” she informed me, “except me and a few others.” She stared at me in a challenging way, as if waiting to see if I dared to say anything back. I could see that she was a person whom many people didn't want to mess with.
“Oh,” I answered blankly, trying not to stare too much at her swollen lips and messed up hair. “I didn't know.” I hoped my foreign accent didn't stand out too much.
“Well obviously if you don't mind what goes on here, you're welcome here,” she continued, flipping her dirty-blond hair behind her shoulder. She glanced at the door.
“I don't mind,” I replied quickly. Realizing after a second how wrongly that could be taken, I sharply added: “I mean, it's none of my business.”
The girl's mouth twisted to a smirk and she nodded somehow appraisingly. We measured each other for a passing moment and I could feel her intense blue eyes rake me from head to toe. I started to grow restless, but luckily she let her gaze leave before I cracked.
”I have to go,” she said with a slight frown and a shrug. “I already skipped P.E. today. Sadowski will kill me if I'm not in math.”
She grabbed her back bag that had been lying somewhere on the floor and pulled the door open. She looked me in the eye one more time. “See you around,” she said and turned around. Our elbows brushed as she left.
The rest of the lessons passed in a dizzy blur. I didn't understand most of what the teachers said and gave up on paying attention. Lunch time came and being used to free school lunch, I hadn't even thought of bringing any money. I could've borrowed some from someone in my class, but since I didn't feel like breaking the language barrier, I left feeling hungry.
I ended up perching on an ancient swing in the yard of the kindergarten nearby, until someone discovered me and shooed me away.
Several days passed in an equally boring routine. I did get accustomed to bringing lunch money, but coming to school was still a pain and felt completely pointless.
I stopped in front of the outer gate of the school. I didn't want to go to school. I didn't learn anything there and was flunking most of my classes and I still had no one to talk to between classes.
A thrilling shudder passed through my body. I had never skipped school. What if I was caught? Did it even matter? Before I could regret my decision, I sprinted right away from the school gate, not caring about the direction, not even watching were I was going. I ran until I was puffing and panting too much to go on, and stopped to lean on my knees and catch my breath.
I realized that I had left my school bag somewhere near the gate. It didn't contain anything too valuable, but I hoped it would still be there when I went to retrieve it. I straightened my pose and looked around. The area I was in seemed rather cozy, filled with detached houses with swings and sand boxes in the yards. Large maple trees bordered the road, making the asphalt stick up at the points were the roots had come up.
Fall was never this colorful in Finland. Red and orange maple leaves covered the pavement and I kicked them carelessly. The wind started blowing in a curious way, grasping the fallen leaves in a joyous twirl. I opened my arms as if to welcome it to pass through me. It blew the stray hairs off my face and suddenly I couldn't hold my smile back any longer.
It was as if the wind had blown away the guilt of skipping school. I felt light and bouncy, like I had all the time in the world. I felt like doing something silly, something fun. But what?
I looked around, almost expecting to see something exciting making its way towards me. When nothing came, I took a couple skipping steps along the pavement, choosing a random direction. I pulled off my cap and let my hair go free. A dog-walker turned to a quiet rode at the end of the street and I decided to see where it led.
The rode passed a few small houses and turned to a sand road in a public, yet secluded park. At this time of the day it was claimed only by senior citizens and dog walkers. Wonderfully serene.
I spotted a little pond somewhere and walked up to it. There would have been vacant benches, but I preferred to sit on the ground while the weather was still warm enough. I sat down on the freshly cut lawn, not caring if my clothes got stained.
The warm fall sun combined with the soft tickling wind made me drowsy, and it wasn't long before I stretched down on the grass and closed my eyes.
I woke up to something tickling my face. Opening my eyes, I could first only see green. My face was covered in a pile of grass that someone had dropped on my face. I brushed it off.
The girl from the bathroom was standing over me, wearing a funny, lopsided smile.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. “Being naughty already?”
“Just looking at the clouds,” I replied and pointed at the sky. I looked up to the sky to reassure her and noticed there weren't any. She gave a little laugh which made me blush just a bit. “You're not at school either,” I pointed out, trying to switch the subject.
“Nah, Spanish test,” she remarked, plopping down beside me. “My admirable Spanish skills would go to a waste doing a simple test like that. So I had to skip.”
I laughed and sat up to see her better. She looked a lot different than a few days ago. Certainly less messy and post-kissed.
As if in an unspoken agreement, we both stood up. “What's your name?” I asked.
“It's Veronica. Most people call me Cleve. You can call me Vera if you want,” she added and shrugged with her left shoulder. I started to notice it was a habit of hers.
As an act of impulse, I slipped my hands out of my pockets and held my right hand out to her. It seemed a bit ditzy, but I suddenly really wanted to know her better. She looked at my hand, then back at me. After a lingering moment she grabbed it.
“I'm Anna,” I said, looking her in the eye. She stared back at me. It was almost like the moment in the bathroom, but longer and more intense. We shook hands for what felt like a minute until she finally let go and stood up.
“Come on,” she said, and grabbed me by the elbow. “We can't stay here all day. We've got places to go to.”
“Oh?” I raised my eyebrows.
“Yes, obviously you're new here, so I need to show you around. You can pretend to be a tourist and I'll be your guide.”
I snorted. “Oh, I'm sure there are lots of tourist attractions nearby. The Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty—”
“You know, the old lady in that house is hiding a secret treasure,” she interrupted with a conspiring look. ”Heaps and heaps of gold buried under her house.” I glanced at the mentioned house which looked like it would collapse any day. The paint was peeling off in many places and the branches of the close trees were scratching the walls.
I snickered and Vera continued in a whisper. ”Oh, everyone knows about it. She's just pretending to be poor to hide from the taxmen.” She couldn't help it any longer and let out a chortle.
“I'm sure that's true,” I laughed. “Now show me all the other exciting places here.”
We continued our walk away from the park. Occasionally she'd stop and exclaim things like: “That's the tree I crashed into when I was biking as a kid,” or “Ooh, look, an ice cream truck. I wish I had some money on me.”
It was quite silly. She seemed to like talking about herself, and I didn't mind listening. She didn't seem to notice all the mistakes I made, and it gave me more confidence in speaking. After a while I noticed that what had seemed like a perfectly haphazard route was actually leading somewhere. “Where are we going?” I inquired.
“Oh, just somewhere. You'll like it, I'm sure.”
We climbed a steep hill, panting after a few steps. When we finally reached the top, she guided me to a large oak tree and patted its trunk.
“Welcome,” she declared, “to my secret base.”
She grabbed the nearest branch and swung herself up. Something changed in her when she climbed. Her being became somehow animal-like, and her lips turned to an almost-crazy smile. “What are you waiting for?” she yelled to me from the first branch, “Get your ass up here!”
I laughed and followed her up the tree. “Secret base? I didn't know you were into that kind of secret agent stuff.” I took a seat on a funny looking branch and glanced at her, sitting two feet higher.
“Oh yes, I'm a cop in disguise. Didn't I mention it?” She was leaning back against the tree trunk in a half-sitting position, looking completely at ease where she was. I could see that she spent a lot of time here. “Look.”
She gestured for me to look down and I went speechless as I did, so breathtaking the view was.
The different textured roofs created a wonderful collage of colors. Parks looked like tiny green spots and roads like gray lines. We could see each little car from here and every little person walking down the road. The town looked peaceful, in a dreamy, still way.
“Beautiful, isn't it?” She grinned. “Bet it doesn't look like this from the Eiffel Tower.”
“Oh, probably not. But I still think the Statue of Liberty takes the victory,” I replied with a playful glint in my eyes. I realized how naturally I had just spoken English, and my smile grew wider.
“Nothing beats this tree and you know it,” she said, twirling a strand of wavy hair between her fingers. “I always used to come here as a kid when I got upset with my parents. I used to throw awful tantrums, you know.”
I could somehow imagine that.
“Have you ever kissed a girl?”
“What?” I choked and looked at her in surprise. “No, I haven't. I mean, I don't like girls that way.”
“Er, you probably have, though,” I added when she didn't say anything.
She snorted. “Probably.” Then she went quiet, gazing contemplatively at the scenery stretching below us. Her eyes went glassy for a moment and I thought I saw something very vulnerable cross her face.
She caught me staring and I felt my cheeks go crimson. I hoped the shade of the branches hid my nervousness.
Things changed in school over the next few weeks. I spent all my breaks with Vera, and we'd often see after school at our tree or some park. I had so much fun with her that I hardly took notice when someone huffed scornfully at us, or whispered “Look at Cleve's new catch,” to someone.
My English was improving tremendously, thanks to Vera. I was catching up on most of the lessons, mostly the ones I was interested in. Sometimes we'd ditch if both of us had a dull lesson.
I saw Vera head towards me from behind the corner.
“Coming for lunch?” I asked.
“Sorry, I need to use the bathroom,” she answered, emphasizing the word bathroom. She sent an apologizing expression at me and then slightly nodded her left. I only then noticed the dark girl trailing behind her. I realized she wished for me to leave, so I gave them a forced smile and started leaving for the cafeteria.
“See you at second break, okay?” I heard her cry behind me. I didn't answer.
I went to have lunch, trying not to feel too betrayed. Was I just someone she could chuck aside when she had a girlfriend? What if she stopped spending time with me now that she had someone else?
I tried to calm my breath and took a sip of chocolate milk. I knew I was being unreasonable and unfair towards Vera. She had the right to see whomever she wanted; it wasn't like I could stop her. I just hoped it wouldn't affect our friendship.
I sighed and tried to ignore the disturbing feeling that this wasn't the only reason I was jealous.
“Are you angry at me for something?” she asked me straight away when we met in the school yard. “Because if it's because of the situation with Emily, then I think you're being pretty childish.”
“It isn't because of her!” I snapped. “I just had a bad day, okay?”
“Bad day, don't be ridiculous. You were perfectly happy before that. What do you have against her?”
“Nothing.”
We were silent for a few minutes.
“I guess I was just scared you'd spend less time with me,” I admitted.
Vera kicked a stone on the asphalt. It rolled a few feet and stopped.
“Do you take her to our tree?”
“Of course not! How could you think that?” she cried in a hurt tone. “You're the only one I've ever taken there.”
I somehow recalled the first time we met in the park and I had thought she talked about herself a lot. I realized something. Maybe no one before me had ever asked her things about her. Maybe she hadn't had anyone to talk to.
She must have not had any friends. Vera, who was always loud and confident, had no other friends than me.
I suddenly felt a compelling urge to touch her. I reached forward and took a strand of her hair between my fingers. “I'm sorry Vera, I know you...” I trailed off.
I was sure I could see her cheeks flush a little. She looked embarrassed. “You don't need to say that to me. I know you do.”
On another day, we were sitting at our spot beside the pond.
“Why don't any of my relationships work out?” she complained, pulling her knees closer to her.
“What do you mean?” I asked awkwardly. I wasn't very experienced in love and hardly felt like the right person to give advice.
“It's because I'm so attractive. Girls just turn crazy around me and start stalking me. By the time they sneak cameras into my shower I just need to put an end to it. Such a shame.” She gave a dramatic sigh. “No really. I wish I knew what goes wrong every time. None of my girlfriends have ever really cared for me. They've only wanted physical contact, and once I've given it to them, they dump me.”
”Did Emily quit on you?” I tried not to sound too hopeful.
She nodded and looked so glum that I instantly regretted my previous feeling of glee. I patted her lightly on the back. “Maybe she wasn't right for you. Maybe you've just been dating the wrong people.”
“Yeah, maybe.” She aimed a notable glance at me from behind her hair, making me suddenly feel very conscious of myself.
Her breathing sounded heavier than a moment ago and I became aware of her body leaning lightly against mine. I tilted a bit towards her unintentionally. “I need to go,” I said feebly, but didn't take any gesture to leave.
Our lips were only inches apart. Later, I could recall the moment perfectly in slow motion. I leaned closer and brought my lips slowly to hers. They lingered there for a fraction of a second. It wasn't even a real kiss, just a feather-light touch of lips. Abruptly we both realized what happened and pulled apart.
“I'm sorry,” she said, avoiding my eyes. She got up and grabbed her backpack. She turned around and started running away. I was still sitting stupidly on the lawn and she was already gone.
I knew where to find her. I threw my bag in the nearby bush, starting off to a speedy run. I ran all the way up the hill, collapsing in a fit of unsteady breaths once finally at the top. I heard a sound from the tree and looked up.
“Why are you hiding from me?” I hollered, my voice still hoarse from the run. I heard a rustle of leaves. Then a quiet “Leave me alone.”
“It should be me that's hiding, I'm the one who made a complete fool of myself!” I yelled. The worry I had been feeling started to be replaced by anger.
That certainly got an reaction out of her. “You? I'm the one who encouraged you to kiss me,” she shouted. I could hear trepidation in her voice that normally wasn't there.
“I kissed you, you didn't do anything.”
“I didn't stop you. I was the one who had just been left. I used you.”
I walked to the tree and stroked the rough bark. “Why did you run off like that?” I asked, now more calmly. “Tell me.”
I couldn't see her completely from the leaves and branches, but she seemed self-conscious. “Don't laugh at me, okay?” I nodded and looked at her expectantly.
“I've never been friends with anyone I've kissed. It's usually lasted just a week or so and we've never gotten to know each other.”
She leaped on to the ground in front of me and straightened herself. “I've never been friends with anyone I like that way.”
I watched her hands disappear into her pockets. I reached forward to touch her shoulder. My voice quivered a little. “So...you like me then?”
“I like you. I completely, positively, madly like you!” she huffed, trying to hide her insecurity under a strong voice. She tilted her face so that I couldn't see her expression anymore. “But your friendship is more important to me. If I can't have your love, I hope I can at least keep you as a friend.”
“Why can't you have both?” I astonished both her and me by the remark.
She looked up in amazement. “Do you really mean that?” Her forehead wrinkled a little as she frowned. “Will it last?”
“I... I need you, Vera,” I answered and stared at her blue eyes. She smiled.
“Oh yes. You wouldn't survive without your personal cop, tourist guide and English teacher.”
“Don't forget friend,” I added earnestly.
“And friend. Although if you wish to know, I'm not the best friend you could have. I bite. And I kiss. Consider yourself warned.”
I laughed and pressed my forehead against hers. “I don't mind,” I breathed and pushed my smile onto her waiting lips.
